Before you read this article, I encourage you to listen to the song “Nothing Else” by The Belonging Co. featuring Cody Carnes. If you have already heard it, listen again. Once you have done that, I pray your heart will match up with mine and you understand the words that follow.
Disclaimer: I rarely write articles where I use “I” so much, simply because my mom has taught me not to, but this time I want to be raw and make it known that this story is mine. Sometimes it helps to know the face of the person you are reading or learning about because it is easier to relate and feel more connected.
At this season in my life, I have been able to establish more of a routine than ever before. I am a part-time administrative assistant for a growing company, a part-time nanny, and am heavily involved in my church. Organization comes naturally and prepping for the next thing is always in the back of my mind. I am constantly on the go and each day is mostly well planned before it even starts.
Recently at our church, we have opened a new branch of ministry called Celebrate Recovery. If you know nothing about it, I highly suggest taking a moment to do a quick Google search, but I’ll give you the rundown. If you have dealt with any past hurts, addictions, or pain of any sort, it’s for you; so that’s basically everyone. I have dealt with loss. I do have emotional hurts. I have recently realized some other issues while being there and I am beginning my journey to work through them. That part was not on my agenda. I walked in believing I was there for one main reason and that’s grief. I knew there were other people like me, and that brought comfort, however, I didn’t realize I had so many other problems. When you put real words to something you are feeling, it helps you make sense of it and come up with a plan of action to change.
I went in with my own agenda and my own plan. I was just going to support those I knew that were going, support the ministry, and just kind of “sit-in” if you know what I mean. Two weeks in and I’m feeling like a very fragile, emotional wreck. I have had more moments of self-reflection in the last two weeks than I have in the past 5 years. What I am learning is that I am truly powerless and it’s not about me. It is about allowing my Higher Power, that’s God, to take over and heal my heart in only the way He can. I need His presence, not my own self-help.
There’s a verse in the song I mentioned earlier that says “I’m not here for blessings. Jesus, You don’t owe me anything. More than anything that You can do, I just want You.”
If we can just grasp that and realize God is what we need. We don’t need more books, podcasts, TedTalks, and I believe all of those are helpful (I use all of those), but what is my true source of help? When did my relationship with God turn into me just asking for things from Him, yet I was not willing myself to give anything up. I see the need to empty me of me, give him my past hurts. Yes, scars may still be there, but that’s just something to remind me of what God has done for me and not forget about His goodness. He’s been there the whole time, but maybe I just had too many things in the way to see that healing can take place in these areas of my life and it’s not just about physical hurts and what is out in the open. Sometimes it’s the secret matters we hide that God wants to do the biggest works with. David was never showy as a shepherd boy. His strength wasn’t seen by many, simply because it didn’t come from his own doings. He had God. That’s where I want to be.
So here is to giving those things up. Allowing God to move in the midst of that, but clearing the way for Him so He can replace past hurts with new joys. It’s coming for me, and I believe it can happen for you too. Let God be God. Give yourself the freedom to just be broken and needy for once. We need Him; more of Him, every day.
II Corinthians 12:9-13 NIV
9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
Hannah lives in Northwest Arkansas, attends Calvary Tabernacle Bentonville, and works as an administrative assistant for a local and well-loved breakfast spot. She loves serving in CTKids at her church, baking, and enjoying the beautiful natural state during all seasons.